Spontaneous Dancing and Heartfelt Blogs
I just read Reynier's
latest blog entry and it made me cry.
A couple days ago, he and I had a conversation where he told me that he felt there were parts of me that he didn't know even though we've been together (and lived together) for 3 years. It's true that there are many things that I think and feel that I don't share. When I'm with my mom and brother, with whom I feel most at ease, I am super random, dancing around for no reason, and cracking jokes like nobody's business. I really am more fun, I think.
Reynier sees some of this stuff (except the dancing), but not all of it and I wish that it weren't that way. I wish I could be the same way all the time and not give a care to what people think. Unfortunately, I have a lot of care for what Reynier thinks because I think he's amazing. He's also critical of things that I do, which has helped me a lot but also makes my insecure self very scared. I constantly wonder, what would Reynier think if I did this or that thing. I don't want to be that way. It's so uninteresting. I want to be the person that cracks jokes all the time without worrying if her audience will think they're funny. I want to dance for no reason at all except I feel like dancing.
Things to work on and think about.
Labels: Dancing, Insecurity, Jokes, Reynier
The Mascot
This one keeps stepping on the phone and making calls.
Cute Overload Eligible
He lives on the front desk at work.
3AM Freakouts and waking up before the sun
Blogging from work, like a badass:
Yesterday was my first day being on my own at work here at the doggie hotel (I had been training for two weeks) and I was convinced that everything that could go wrong would. At any time, there are at least 20 dogs staying and eating at the place (many of these dogs live here because they're rescues and don't have homes) and all those dogs have to be managed in the computer by me. The really great thing that happened was that one of the Rescue dogs was adopted and would be picked up the next day! I scheduled his bath for that night, so he would be nice and fresh for his new parents. Everything was fine but as I left I couldn't shake the feeling that I was forgetting something. I checked and double checked everything, locked up, and left.
That night, Reynier and I watched a movie and I probably stayed up later than I should have, knowing that I had to be up at 5:30 the next morning (many people may not understand how little of a morning person I am. I hate it. When the alarm goes off at that time, my status is "want to step off building"). Then, when I finally cuddled into bed, I couldn't sleep. Everything that I did yesterday was racing through my head. I was watching the tape of my day in Fast Forward and the time was ticking away. When I started to get sleepy it was around 1:30.
I was having strange anxiety dreams where my boss wanted me to pick up his one-year old baby from school and he said I could take the company van or the company
bicycle (yes, a goddamn bicycle) and I was trying to figure out how to carry around a baby on a bicycle because I really didn't want to drive the van. Then, I woke up with a really bad stomachache and the realization that although I had
scheduled the adopted dog's bath, I hadn't printed the schedule and
given it to any human person. The only thing that calmed me down was the hope that the one person I had mentioned it to had remembered and passed the word on to the night people who would be giving the bath, or better yet, had given the bath himself. I felt like I had really bad indigestion and all I could do was try to relax and not wake Reynier with my craziness (I failed because at one point he rolled over and told me I was driving him "a little bit crazy").
Anyhow, at around 4, I was able to fall asleep and then I woke up and headed to work at 5:30,
before the sun was up. Jeezus, I hate getting up early. When I got here, I was ready to beg the Kennel Assistants to give the dog a quick bath before my slip-up could be detected.
I said, "I did something really stupid, Popo (names have been changed to protect the smelly) was adopted and he's getting picked up today and I scheduled the bath but I didn't print out the sheet and ohgodhelpmeplease!
And she was like, "Oh, it's done. I saw the note."
I never thought I would be so excited about a dog getting a bath but I was so fucking
relieved. I guess the one person that I told was more on top of it than I thought.
PS- Yes, I am a crazy girl and not even in the hot, girls-gone-wild kind of way.
Tonight, I was driving home and I saw this minivan that was plastered with bumper stickers. The first one to catch my eye said something to the effect of "In Dog We Trust" and had a little doggie silhouette on it.
At the next red light, I pulled up close to the car to read one of the stickers. It was this one:
I had never seen this quote before but I really think that it's incredibly true . . . and sad.
A Conversation
Last night,
Reynier and I had an interesting conversation about infidelity.
Yesterday, he posted
this blog. After reading it, I realized that I was convinced and so secure with this feeling of "
Reynier would
never cheat on me" (This is huge for me because I am such a psycho jealous bitch). Then I thought, "If I told him that I thought that, he would probably tell me not to think that." So, at dinner, I mentioned it to him and sure enough, he didn't like it! I thought it was so bizarre! To me this is such a huge vote of confidence! I only wish that he felt the same way about me!
Anyway, he started to explain how sometimes when he saw a woman he felt "overwhelmed" with "lust" and that in some situations things were "out of your control." I started to feel so sick at the thought of him "lusting" after women! Plus, I always think that it's so lame when people cheat and then say that they were overcome with emotion or lust or they were drunk or whatever! Hello! When you promise to be faithful to someone it's not just for when you have your wits about you and there are no attractive people around! It's for all the time!
I started to feel like I was going to cry and like I needed to run to the bathroom. It was so shocking to hear that the person that I trust most in the world -and up until a second ago believed would never cheat- was telling me that sometimes things could be out of one's control! I realized that I was starting to freak out and that a stupid conversation about philosophies was about to turn into a huge blowup, so I started to step back and think about my feelings (something that I've been reading about in my Zen books). I tried to look at the situation like an objective observer, not a scared and upset person. I instantly felt more calm. I felt like I could handle having this conversation without freaking out (even if I didn't agree with Reynier).
I know that Reynier wasn't trying to say that cheating was no big deal or that it was okay by any means. I think that what he didn't like was the idea of my making a big generalization about him and saying that there was anything that he would always or never do. I still don't know if I agree or disagree with what he was saying. I feel like I would never cheat, no matter what. It makes me a little sad to think that he doesn't have complete faith in me, but I'm glad that I was able to talk about such a touchy subject (for me) without freaking out completely.
I think that I am little by little, learning to manage the killer jealousy that plagues me.
:-)
Labels: cheating, lust, Reynier, Zen
"I quit so hard!"
When I first started working at the Beauty Supply, I thought my boss was a little annoying but overall, a nice person. Last month, when I worked an epic amount of hours, I started to see more and more facets of her and finally decided that I had to quit ASAP.
It annoyed me that the first thing she did in the morning was head straight to her office and watch the security videos for everything that had happened while she was away. It freaked me out when she would sit in the office and watch me on the monitors - rushing out to give me some stupid task to do the second I sat down or checked my phone.
It bothered me how greedy she was and how she would raise her prices for no reason. It made me sick how sweet she would act with the customers who had a lot of money, falling all over herself for them.
After working there for so long and taking on all the responsibilities of a manager, she continued to pay me next to nothing and when I finally asked her if I could make commission like the other girl who worked with me, she agreed to start the next month. I was so excited until I found out it would only be 1% commission!
So, finally, two weeks ago I started looking for a new job. The first thing that came to mind was the place where I have my dogs, Brandy and Milo boarded and groomed. I thought it would be awesome to work with dogs all day! So, I sent them an email and waited.
Last Wednesday, I got a call from the owner of the dog place asking me to go in for an interview and we set up a meeting for Friday after my shift at the Beauty Supply. I was super excited! I really wanted the job so much that I started to get really nervous. I've never been that nervous for an interview, mostly because the idea of working a day job and doing the same thing every day makes me want to step off a tall building. But, for some reason, this felt different.
On Friday, at the Beauty Supply it was pay day. I planned to get paid and be able to make a clean break if I got the job at the kennel. I knew that if I didn't get paid and then quit, my boss might not want to give me my money. When she got to work and holed herself up in her office for her freaky morning surveillance routine, I knew that I would never be back, even if I didn't get the new job that day. When the boss came out, I gave her my invoice for hours worked and commission earned. She was quiet and thought for a second and then said, "Tomorrow." It didn't make any sense! It couldn't be tomorrow! I was never going back! I reminded her that payday was Friday and told her that if she wanted to start paying us on Saturday that was ok with me, but she would have to start that on the next paycheck because I had to get paid right then. She hesitantly agreed. I was ready to quit so hard!
When my shift ended, I headed to the kennel and met the owner and the assistant manager (who is a comedian and is funny as hell). I chatted with each of them for a half hour - the longest interview ever! They really stressed how crazy-busy it could be and how it could be a messy job. Then Assistant Manager started telling me about all the injuries that dogs sometimes sustained, trying to see if I would be grossed out. I told her things like that didn't bother me and that I had almost been a doctor.
The two of then seemed to like me and I felt really good about everything. I headed home to wait for their call to see if I had to go in the next day to start training. Just when I started to feel like I didn't get the job after all, the phone rang and it was Assistant Manager, letting me know that I should be there at 8:30 the next morning. I was really excited but also really worried because, to be honest, I love sleep. It's in my top 5 favorite things. But it was no big deal, playing with dogs all day is also in my top 5 and it ranks a little higher. :-)
Labels: Brandy, dogs, Milo, The Beauty Supply, The Kennel
