A Conversation
Last night, Reynier and I had an interesting conversation about infidelity.Yesterday, he posted this blog. After reading it, I realized that I was convinced and so secure with this feeling of "Reynier would never cheat on me" (This is huge for me because I am such a psycho jealous bitch). Then I thought, "If I told him that I thought that, he would probably tell me not to think that." So, at dinner, I mentioned it to him and sure enough, he didn't like it! I thought it was so bizarre! To me this is such a huge vote of confidence! I only wish that he felt the same way about me!
Anyway, he started to explain how sometimes when he saw a woman he felt "overwhelmed" with "lust" and that in some situations things were "out of your control." I started to feel so sick at the thought of him "lusting" after women! Plus, I always think that it's so lame when people cheat and then say that they were overcome with emotion or lust or they were drunk or whatever! Hello! When you promise to be faithful to someone it's not just for when you have your wits about you and there are no attractive people around! It's for all the time!
I started to feel like I was going to cry and like I needed to run to the bathroom. It was so shocking to hear that the person that I trust most in the world -and up until a second ago believed would never cheat- was telling me that sometimes things could be out of one's control! I realized that I was starting to freak out and that a stupid conversation about philosophies was about to turn into a huge blowup, so I started to step back and think about my feelings (something that I've been reading about in my Zen books). I tried to look at the situation like an objective observer, not a scared and upset person. I instantly felt more calm. I felt like I could handle having this conversation without freaking out (even if I didn't agree with Reynier).
I know that Reynier wasn't trying to say that cheating was no big deal or that it was okay by any means. I think that what he didn't like was the idea of my making a big generalization about him and saying that there was anything that he would always or never do. I still don't know if I agree or disagree with what he was saying. I feel like I would never cheat, no matter what. It makes me a little sad to think that he doesn't have complete faith in me, but I'm glad that I was able to talk about such a touchy subject (for me) without freaking out completely.
I think that I am little by little, learning to manage the killer jealousy that plagues me.
:-)
Labels: cheating, lust, Reynier, Zen
posted by Adultivity @ 9:53 PM
5 Comments:
After reading your post, I didn't really think that my point of view was properly represented, so I decided to write a response here.
I enjoyed Reynier's response to your post. Now don't get pissed at me, but I agree with your man.
Last night my friends and I all went out to a local bar, and David's ex-gf (or ex-fling) happened to be there. I didn't even know it was her at the time (I didn't find out until this morning from a guy friend of mine), but by the way she hugged David I could tell that there had been something there.
Normally, with my ex, I would have gotten crazy-jealous. But I feel that I have more trust in David, and it didn't even phase me. Which for me, at this point in my understanding of relationships and love and whatnot, says a lot.
- Mich
This comment has been removed by the author.
Reynier: I know that I left out a lot of our conversation. Mostly, my blog was about the things that I was feeling bad about in our talk and how I was able to get it together.
As for this topic, I see what you’re saying but I still disagree with you. Even though as fallible human animals, people sometimes get enraged and kill other people. However, I, as an individual, can say, I WOULD NEVER do that, no matter what. I do think that people have urges like all the animals, but I also believe that we can control them when we really want to.
(X-posted at reyniermolenaar.com/blog)
Mich: I wouldn't have guessed that you were jealous. I'm really trying to learn to get my issues under control because I trust Reynier so much and it sucks for him to be punished because I feel insecure.
You're right, I'm not really the jealous type. At least I didn't think I was until I started having trust issues with ex-bf. But now I'm back to being normal me :) As for you, you're waay ahead simply by recognizing your issues and making an effort to improve them :) We all have those little pockets of baggage in ourselves that need to be worked ;)
- Mich
P.S. Although I agree with Reynier, I can also say that I (like you) would never kill another human being. But I can't ever say that I won't commit any of the lesser sins under certain circumstances. Of course, I have fairly high moral standards and expectations for myself, but I can't promise that I will never do anything controversial nor do I think that I can always embody the idea of perfection.
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