The Apology
A couple days ago, I had just gotten to work when I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. I answered (against my better judgment) and was surprised to hear a voice I hadn't heard in over three years . . . let's call the caller GH.When I was a senior in high school, I met GH through a friend and I liked him a lot. We hung out a little until after a few months, he told me that he didn't want to see me anymore because he felt I was starting to become "too attached" to him.
Four months later, out of the blue, GH called me and stupidly, I started hanging out with him again. I saw him almost every day for 8 months, but we weren't really even dating. I was just, there. I'm embarrassed to admit how much I did for him and I'm also embarrassed to say how badly he treated me. I remember going to his apartment and just sitting around waiting for his attention while he watched tv or chatted with other women on the phone.
One morning, I woke up super early because we had agreed that I would bring him breakfast, when I got to his place, I rang the bell for the longest time. I called his cell. Nothing. Finally, the building manager came over and told me that he hadn't seen GH since the night before, when he went out to the club. It wasn't until hours later that GH called me back and told me that he had spent the night with a woman that he met at the club. I don't remember his apology. I wish I could say that was the last time I spoke to him.
Months passed and I started to give him money every week. I had gotten my first job, and I wasn't making too much. My mom saw that I was working and working but also that I had no money, it was just disappearing. It got to the point where my mom asked if I was using drugs! I taught GH and his friends to play poker and we played every Thursday. When I left, I would leave him all the money I had won from his friends and all my money that I had brought to play with, but I looked forward to Thursdays so much, because I felt that it was a time when I was real to him and it let his friends know that I existed.
GH would do 15 terrible things and then do 1 kinda nice thing, and that nice thing would give me hope. That nice thing made me think, yes, he talks to and messes with a lot of girls, but I am the main girl. I am the best girl because I'm the provider.
Throughout the months, I could feel him start to care and stop himself. Every time he gave me any good sign, he would go out of his way to undo it. Once, he kissed me on the cheek (he had never kissed me) and then, suddenly, a few minutes later, decided he needed to go out dancing with one of his girl friends. Needless to say, I wasn't invited.
Finally, GH decided to move away and it was my chance to escape. We talked a little after he moved. I bought him a phone, put it in my name, and sent it to him (a decision which affects my credit to this day). Then, I met someone, and he freaked out. After having me right in front of him, waiting, devoted for almost a year, it wasn't until he knew I had found someone better that he told me he cared. I told him to leave me alone and let me be happy and thankfully, he did.
So, a few days ago when I got this call, I was not thrilled. I had spoken to him briefly about 2 years ago when I was already with Reynier and his last call left me annoyed. This time he started off in a super casual way, just asking how I was doing, etc. Then, he started spilling out all his feelings. He started to apologize for everything he had done and how he had treated me. It was so heartfelt and emotional. I was so shocked! I didn't think that he would ever see or admit that he had been behaved badly. I was able to say all the things that I should have said then- that I was too afraid to say.
It seemed like he had been feeling this guilt for so long. From the things that he said, he gave me the impression that he thought I would just be there all the time no matter what he did, probably because for so long, I was there no matter what. He told me that when he found out I was with Reynier (and had been for a year already) he "wanted to die" because he knew that he had lost me.
The thing is that after believing in him for so long and constantly being hurt for it, I don't trust him. Even though I feel that he was being honest and appreciate his apology. In theory, I really feel that everyone should have a chance to change and be given a second chance, but in practice . . . that's another story.
It was nice to be able to say what I needed to say. I definitely learned a lot from my time with him, even thought it was painful. I mostly learned what to never do again! Now, I can really be with someone. I can be honest and say when I do or don't like something or if I will or won't do something. I know how to find someone to treat me well! Now, I know how to be happy.
Labels: apologies, high school, men, the passage of time
posted by Adultivity @ 9:13 PM
3 Comments:
Wow, Jen. This post made me realize that, although we've known each other since we were six, we've really missed out on big chunks of each other's lives.
I'm really glad that you're happy now. Reynier sounds like a great man :)
Love, Michelle
The fact that the stalker knows where you work freaks me the hell out, ugh!
Well, it's been over a year so he's probably forgotten where I work by now.
Oh god. It's been over a year of Rover!
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