Adultivity

I feel...

I go back and forth between depression and happiness/normalcy. I feel like after months of wanting to die, I am now starting to let myself live a little. The worrisome thing is the back and forth part because obviously I have wanted to live before and I have also wanted to die before these past sad months. And there's no reason for the sadness and no reason for the happiness. Three months from now, I may be inconsolable again. This is how it's been for years now.

I always hope that it will be the last time; the time when I "turn it all around."

I want it to be.

I'm tired of being unpredictable and volatile. I want every day to be a "good day." On good days, I am not jealous. I am fun and funny and artistic and thoughtful. Most of my days are not "good days" so far. Once upon a time, when I was about 14, I thought that my body was my only flaw. Now (on a "bad day") I feel that it's my only asset (and I need to improve on it and preserve it).

I feel like I'm getting old and wasting my time and it's especially hard for someone who told herself she would "be somebody" by a certain age. I think this is why I want to lie about my age so much. If everyone believes something is it real?

There's a lot of material here for a certain web site that I know and love.













---it was a PBJ by the way.

posted by Adultivity @ 12:18 AM